I have naturally curly hair. Over the years, I've come to never expect my hair to do anything I want. Life is like naturally curly hair - unpredictable. You can't expect anything … from anyone. The quicker you learn that, the happier you'll be.
When you expect something to turn out a certain way and it doesn't, that's when we, as the crazy beings we are, get all upset. But, in reality, we shouldn't be upset at all.
We expect that guy we met at the bar to call. He doesn't, and we get all pissy. But, guess what … he was probably a shit head and we should try to look at the positive reasons behind him not calling.
We have one amazing Friday night, and then we expect every Friday night that follows to be that wonderful. It's not going to happen … it'll just be a let down.
This is what you need to do. Do not have any expectations. Don't expect people to be on time. Don't expect all your roommates to pay their bills on the first of every month. Don't expect some guy to be "the one" after two dates. It's hard to enjoy the way life unfolds when you're constantly being let down by some foolish expectations, set by your foolish self.
If you don't allow high expectations to enter your mind, then you won't be all pouty and disappointed when things don't go exactly your way. Remember, just because something didn't go your way, doesn't mean it didn't go the way it was supposed to.
So, stop expecting, and start having fun with the way things are … in the moment … right now. I'm even kind of in love with my hair. Even on the bad days.
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
How To "Get It In The Bag."
You know what I'm talking about. Sometimes you play your cards just right. The guy falls for you and you tell your friends, with that half determined-half sexy look on your face, "I've got it in the bag." To put it simply, this feeling rocks. Here's how to get there:
1. Some people are unforgettable. Be one of them. If you're like every other girl in his life, that's exactly who you'll be … just another girl.
2. You might have amazing boobs, a great ass or legs for days. That's good, but guess what … so do millions of other girls. It all comes down to personality and confidence babe. Let your personality hang out instead of your boobs. Walk into the bar you both hang out at like you own the place. Flash a smile that would catch the President's attention. You get the idea.
3. Be yourself around him. So, you color coordinate the items in your fridge. You dance a little bit while waiting on the subway platform. Your conversations with your cat always help you make important decisions. Whatever it is … don't hide it. Men love that shit. It makes you different. They're now intrigued.
4. Rely on face to face interaction. Don't text. When you text, you may be interrupting his day, waking him from a nap, etc. Men don't desire that, and you don't want to be an interruption. Be the girl whose arm he could reach out and touch each time he communicates with you. Soon he'll be texting your ass, making plans to see you. (Now it's appropriate to respond … and actually calling would be good too.) And, if you have a drunk text habit (we've all been there) don't take his number, or don't save it in your phone. No number, no temptation, no texting.
5. To get something going, face to face is a good idea. Pelvis to pelvis … not such a good idea. If you really want to have it all in the bag, don't sleep with him right away. I know, it's hard … you really want to … you're both in a bar bathroom that's actually pretty clean. Too bad, don't have sex with him. Hold out as long as you can. It's been said that, "Women fall fast, men fall hard." It's true and it takes men longer to fall for you. You know they want to sleep with you, but in the mean time, let them get to know that awesome personality I've been talking about. Trust me, this works. As he gets to know you, he'll want to sleep with you even more - not just because you're hot, but because he truly appreciates who you are.
By following these five simple suggestions, you'll hook him. And, if it's not going in that direction, you'll be able to tell. Then it's time to bag another man.
1. Some people are unforgettable. Be one of them. If you're like every other girl in his life, that's exactly who you'll be … just another girl.
2. You might have amazing boobs, a great ass or legs for days. That's good, but guess what … so do millions of other girls. It all comes down to personality and confidence babe. Let your personality hang out instead of your boobs. Walk into the bar you both hang out at like you own the place. Flash a smile that would catch the President's attention. You get the idea.
3. Be yourself around him. So, you color coordinate the items in your fridge. You dance a little bit while waiting on the subway platform. Your conversations with your cat always help you make important decisions. Whatever it is … don't hide it. Men love that shit. It makes you different. They're now intrigued.
4. Rely on face to face interaction. Don't text. When you text, you may be interrupting his day, waking him from a nap, etc. Men don't desire that, and you don't want to be an interruption. Be the girl whose arm he could reach out and touch each time he communicates with you. Soon he'll be texting your ass, making plans to see you. (Now it's appropriate to respond … and actually calling would be good too.) And, if you have a drunk text habit (we've all been there) don't take his number, or don't save it in your phone. No number, no temptation, no texting.
5. To get something going, face to face is a good idea. Pelvis to pelvis … not such a good idea. If you really want to have it all in the bag, don't sleep with him right away. I know, it's hard … you really want to … you're both in a bar bathroom that's actually pretty clean. Too bad, don't have sex with him. Hold out as long as you can. It's been said that, "Women fall fast, men fall hard." It's true and it takes men longer to fall for you. You know they want to sleep with you, but in the mean time, let them get to know that awesome personality I've been talking about. Trust me, this works. As he gets to know you, he'll want to sleep with you even more - not just because you're hot, but because he truly appreciates who you are.
By following these five simple suggestions, you'll hook him. And, if it's not going in that direction, you'll be able to tell. Then it's time to bag another man.
Monday, September 12, 2011
Dear Dad …
Dear Dad,
I still can't believe it's been 10 years since I've heard your laugh. Ten years since you told me I was beautiful. Ten years since you played your favorite Frankie record in the living room.
Mom is doing well. She's still beautiful on the inside and out. She still has a ridiculous amount of clothes, and you would love what she's done with the kitchen. There's a new cocker spaniel in the house … Bella is her name. She's cute, but a little naughty at times and would drive you nuts. Oh, and Mom is retired now. She's traveled to Germany, and is even going to Vegas in a few weeks. She is still not afraid of anything. She's kept your collectibles in the basement. All the radios, records and memorabilia that you cherished. You always said, "They'll be worth something someday." I think we'd rather keep them than find out. Thank you for not being afraid to go up to Mom and ask if you could eat lunch with her that one afternoon at the Cozy Kitchen. This past week you would have celebrated your 38th wedding anniversary. I know she misses you everyday. I know she'd give anything to have a cup of tea with you after dinner, just like you used to every night. But, don't worry, she has so many people in her life who love her.
Kimberly, your youngest pride and joy, is living her dream. She's married to a wonderful man, living in Wisconsin and changing lives as a nurse. Even though it's only been a year, they're already looking for a house. And, you can relax … they're huge Packer fans and never miss a game. I'm pretty sure you would have liked watching games with her husband, Dan. He gets nervous just like you used to. They were Superbowl champs last year. I wish you could have seen that game. It was marvelous. You'd be so happy and proud of Kimber. On her wedding day, she was so beautiful. That little girl who used to play board games with you has grown into an amazing woman.
As for me, I guess you could say I'm your wild child. After graduating from college at the University of Wisconsin-Madison (Go Badgers), I became a reporter at a couple of local newspapers, and continued to live in Madison for a few years. I remember how you wouldn't even drive in that city. Whenever I was stuck and frustrated with traffic, I'd think of you.
Then, when I was 26, something told me to move to New York City. I packed some suitcases, found some roommates online and moved to Brooklyn. If you were here, I think you would have chained me to my apartment in Wisconsin … even Mom was worried for me. She still wants me to come back home. But, this city was made for me, even though it can beat you down sometimes and take all your money, I know I could never leave. Mom has even come to visit me a few times. She's become a master of the subway, loved the Statue of Liberty and even sat with me at my favorite dive bar. I'm pretty sure you wouldn't love riding the subway as much as I do. And, I can tell you one thing, it's not as fun as riding in the back seat of your 1966 Dodge Cornet. I miss that.
My last name is still Becker, and I plan to keep it that way, even after I walk down the aisle … someday. Until then, I'm enjoying life, having fun and making the most of every experience. Oh, you'll love this … I started taking tap classes here in the city. These classes are tough, but my teachers are some of the most amazing dancers in the nation, and I'm learning so much from them. So, thank you for always taking Kimberly and I to our dance classes and sitting in the waiting room with a bunch of dance moms. It's a good thing you always had one of your favorite Mickey Spillane novels with you. You must be the reason I have a passion for crime novels. Actually, did you know Spillane was born in Brooklyn? I guess this was all meant to be.
Even though you aren't physically here anymore, you still teach me so much. Because of you, everyone I care about knows it. You can be here one day and gone the next. Telling people how much I care about them is not an option for me. It's a must. Thank you for teaching me about good music … for sharing your love of Frank Sinatra, Elvis and Rock n' Roll. Thank you for always telling me I'm beautiful. Even when some boy made me cry and the mascara I took from mom's make up cabinet was running down my face, you'd tell me I was beautiful (and that the boy was a fool). Thank you for making me see that all we really have is today and for reminding me that money and possessions are not a way to measure life. Thank you for always being proud of me. Because of that, I am now proud of myself. Most of all, thank you for being you. For being a wonderful husband, son and father. Because of you, I am who I am today. I think I've turned out pretty well. I still have the long hair you always loved. I still talk too much during dinner. And, I'm still a little kid at heart.
Tonight, I'll dream of the nights we'd dance to the oldies in the living room. And of that orange carpet and the yellow rocker we'd sit in during story time. I'll hear you sing, in your lowest voice possible, "What a Wonderful World."
I still can't believe it's been 10 years since I've heard your laugh. Ten years since you told me I was beautiful. Ten years since you played your favorite Frankie record in the living room.
Mom is doing well. She's still beautiful on the inside and out. She still has a ridiculous amount of clothes, and you would love what she's done with the kitchen. There's a new cocker spaniel in the house … Bella is her name. She's cute, but a little naughty at times and would drive you nuts. Oh, and Mom is retired now. She's traveled to Germany, and is even going to Vegas in a few weeks. She is still not afraid of anything. She's kept your collectibles in the basement. All the radios, records and memorabilia that you cherished. You always said, "They'll be worth something someday." I think we'd rather keep them than find out. Thank you for not being afraid to go up to Mom and ask if you could eat lunch with her that one afternoon at the Cozy Kitchen. This past week you would have celebrated your 38th wedding anniversary. I know she misses you everyday. I know she'd give anything to have a cup of tea with you after dinner, just like you used to every night. But, don't worry, she has so many people in her life who love her.
Kimberly, your youngest pride and joy, is living her dream. She's married to a wonderful man, living in Wisconsin and changing lives as a nurse. Even though it's only been a year, they're already looking for a house. And, you can relax … they're huge Packer fans and never miss a game. I'm pretty sure you would have liked watching games with her husband, Dan. He gets nervous just like you used to. They were Superbowl champs last year. I wish you could have seen that game. It was marvelous. You'd be so happy and proud of Kimber. On her wedding day, she was so beautiful. That little girl who used to play board games with you has grown into an amazing woman.
As for me, I guess you could say I'm your wild child. After graduating from college at the University of Wisconsin-Madison (Go Badgers), I became a reporter at a couple of local newspapers, and continued to live in Madison for a few years. I remember how you wouldn't even drive in that city. Whenever I was stuck and frustrated with traffic, I'd think of you.
Then, when I was 26, something told me to move to New York City. I packed some suitcases, found some roommates online and moved to Brooklyn. If you were here, I think you would have chained me to my apartment in Wisconsin … even Mom was worried for me. She still wants me to come back home. But, this city was made for me, even though it can beat you down sometimes and take all your money, I know I could never leave. Mom has even come to visit me a few times. She's become a master of the subway, loved the Statue of Liberty and even sat with me at my favorite dive bar. I'm pretty sure you wouldn't love riding the subway as much as I do. And, I can tell you one thing, it's not as fun as riding in the back seat of your 1966 Dodge Cornet. I miss that.
My last name is still Becker, and I plan to keep it that way, even after I walk down the aisle … someday. Until then, I'm enjoying life, having fun and making the most of every experience. Oh, you'll love this … I started taking tap classes here in the city. These classes are tough, but my teachers are some of the most amazing dancers in the nation, and I'm learning so much from them. So, thank you for always taking Kimberly and I to our dance classes and sitting in the waiting room with a bunch of dance moms. It's a good thing you always had one of your favorite Mickey Spillane novels with you. You must be the reason I have a passion for crime novels. Actually, did you know Spillane was born in Brooklyn? I guess this was all meant to be.
Even though you aren't physically here anymore, you still teach me so much. Because of you, everyone I care about knows it. You can be here one day and gone the next. Telling people how much I care about them is not an option for me. It's a must. Thank you for teaching me about good music … for sharing your love of Frank Sinatra, Elvis and Rock n' Roll. Thank you for always telling me I'm beautiful. Even when some boy made me cry and the mascara I took from mom's make up cabinet was running down my face, you'd tell me I was beautiful (and that the boy was a fool). Thank you for making me see that all we really have is today and for reminding me that money and possessions are not a way to measure life. Thank you for always being proud of me. Because of that, I am now proud of myself. Most of all, thank you for being you. For being a wonderful husband, son and father. Because of you, I am who I am today. I think I've turned out pretty well. I still have the long hair you always loved. I still talk too much during dinner. And, I'm still a little kid at heart.
Tonight, I'll dream of the nights we'd dance to the oldies in the living room. And of that orange carpet and the yellow rocker we'd sit in during story time. I'll hear you sing, in your lowest voice possible, "What a Wonderful World."
Thursday, September 1, 2011
Taking The Liner Too Far
I love eyeliner. I believe that the cat eye is one of the greatest make up looks of all time. But then, some company has to take it too far.
This time, I'm talking about Dior. Before I go any further, I'd like to say that I have a tremendous amount of respect for this company. They put out amazing and high-quality products … and I bet this eyeliner (if you can call it that) is right up there with the rest of their make up line. The question is, how necessary is this? What is the art of make up coming to?
Let me start by filling you in on this new product. Dior make up artists have created a set of multi-wear adhesive eyeliner patches. That's right … it's a set of four pairs: two plain black, one with small anthracite grey crystals and one more with white crystals (Swarovski crystals to be exact). And, how perfect, since they are said to fit any eye shape, since they're adjustable.
Take a look for yourself. In my opinion they're a little too much (unless you're a fashion model, and in that case you probably have your own make up artist anyways). But, the fact that they're on the gaudy side isn't the worst of it for me.
Recently, make up companies are giving us (women and men who wear make up) no credit. Many companies are assuming that we all just want everything to be convenient and un-original. Well, I'm sorry, but I don't want my eyeliner to look exactly like anyone else's at the bar. Then your only option is to be upset with yourself for not wearing pair number 3. But … wait, if you would have done your own make up, the whole situation would have been avoided.
This brings me to my second point. For me (and I know I'm not alone), make up is an art. One of my good friends, Gabe Fuller (check him out, he's amazing) has been my make up guru for the last year. I remember one night he was teaching me the cat eye. I asked him how he got to be so good at it and he said, "I'm an artist. I draw, I paint, I know how to use my hand. It takes practice to get the motion down." So, practice I did, and I now wear the cat eye all the time.
For me, that was some of the best make up advice I've ever received. I finally understood the importance of applying your own make up, and making your face a canvass. Everyone should experience perfecting the cat eye or the red lip that compliments your skin tone.
Finding the right lip stick or gloss, or the right gel, liquid or pencil liner that will achieve the look you want is also part of the experience. It's just like fake nails. Anyone can glue on plastic nails, but it takes time and effort to maintain and take care of your nails. Anyone can also put eyeliner patches on their eye lids … but you'll be missing out on the part where you look in the mirror and say, "Damn, my eyes look great tonight," followed by a self high five.
So … this is my advice. Pick out one of the other fabulous eyeliners Dior has to offer. Learn how to do your make up yourself, like the big girl (or boy) you are … and embrace the art of make up.
This time, I'm talking about Dior. Before I go any further, I'd like to say that I have a tremendous amount of respect for this company. They put out amazing and high-quality products … and I bet this eyeliner (if you can call it that) is right up there with the rest of their make up line. The question is, how necessary is this? What is the art of make up coming to?
Let me start by filling you in on this new product. Dior make up artists have created a set of multi-wear adhesive eyeliner patches. That's right … it's a set of four pairs: two plain black, one with small anthracite grey crystals and one more with white crystals (Swarovski crystals to be exact). And, how perfect, since they are said to fit any eye shape, since they're adjustable.
 |
| The Dior Backstage Eyeliners To-Wear Multi-Wear Adhesive Eyeliner Patches are selling at Sephora for $59. Would you invest in them? |
Recently, make up companies are giving us (women and men who wear make up) no credit. Many companies are assuming that we all just want everything to be convenient and un-original. Well, I'm sorry, but I don't want my eyeliner to look exactly like anyone else's at the bar. Then your only option is to be upset with yourself for not wearing pair number 3. But … wait, if you would have done your own make up, the whole situation would have been avoided.
This brings me to my second point. For me (and I know I'm not alone), make up is an art. One of my good friends, Gabe Fuller (check him out, he's amazing) has been my make up guru for the last year. I remember one night he was teaching me the cat eye. I asked him how he got to be so good at it and he said, "I'm an artist. I draw, I paint, I know how to use my hand. It takes practice to get the motion down." So, practice I did, and I now wear the cat eye all the time.
For me, that was some of the best make up advice I've ever received. I finally understood the importance of applying your own make up, and making your face a canvass. Everyone should experience perfecting the cat eye or the red lip that compliments your skin tone.
Finding the right lip stick or gloss, or the right gel, liquid or pencil liner that will achieve the look you want is also part of the experience. It's just like fake nails. Anyone can glue on plastic nails, but it takes time and effort to maintain and take care of your nails. Anyone can also put eyeliner patches on their eye lids … but you'll be missing out on the part where you look in the mirror and say, "Damn, my eyes look great tonight," followed by a self high five.
So … this is my advice. Pick out one of the other fabulous eyeliners Dior has to offer. Learn how to do your make up yourself, like the big girl (or boy) you are … and embrace the art of make up.
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
One Of Those Days Always Means One Of Those Nights …
"I'm leaving by midnight." Yeah right. The dj will play Elvis and the next thing you know it's 1 am … then 1:30 am … you get the picture. Now, if you're a night-lifer, who also has a day job, there's plenty you can do to fake the 8 hours of good sleep you didn't get. (Hey, it's not your fault you were called to the bar by a higher power.)
When you didn't have steady work, going to the bar for cheap beers on Monday night was a good idea. But, now that you have a great job, you've decided to be a responsible adult and go to bed at 11 pm. Then again, we all need a little tradition every once in a while. So, when your alarm scares you awake at 7:30 am, here's how you pull yourself together.
As soon as you get out of bed, grab your favorite pain killer. You may not have a headache at the moment, but rush hour on the train will create one. Stop it before it starts. After drinking a gallon of water, you'll be ready to put on your work appropriate make up. On days like this, go with a little mascara and a bright red lip. You see, the lip color distracts people from looking at your droopy eyes. Plus, red lips just make you look like a woman in charge. Even though I usually stay away from adding additional eye make up (besides mascara) on days like this, sometimes a small amount of gold eyeshadow in the inside corner of your eyes really makes you look perky.
Now, accomplish the same attitude with your outfit. There is something about a blazer that looks professional, yet relaxed. My go-to is an off-white, almost tuxedo style blazer. The key is to wear something you don't typically wear. See, I always wear black, so putting on something that deviates from my fashion norm shocks and excites me. Plus, people will notice that it's not something you would typically wear and you'll receive compliments. Just like the lipstick trick, people will be distracted from any looks of death that may be on your face. But, make sure you don't look like you tried too hard … that screams "I feel terrible, but look how fancy I am with my matching dress, shoes and nail polish."
Since the sweat from your dancing binge most likely ruined your hair, get out the dry shampoo and fix any out of control pieces with the curling iron. If you're running short on time (a likely possibility), then screw it. That's why the ponytail was invented.
I can't speak for everyone, but my favorite hang out has a certain smell to it. Personally, I love it. It's safe and familiar … like walking into mom's kitchen after she bakes chocolate chip cookies. OK, not at all, but you're following, right? Even though you know the stench lingering in your hair is from the bar, to everyone else you just stink. Get out your favorite perfume, but don't go overboard. A couple sprays will do, no French bath needed.
On your commute to work, it's very important to listen to music that wakes you up and makes you happy. It's not a good idea to fall asleep on the train/bus. You'll probably miss your stop since you'll be half sleeping and half passed out. If you drive to work, blast the AC and pretend your dashboard is a piano (Great Balls of Fire by Jerry Lee Lewis is the best dash piano song. Ever.)
Finally, you're at work. If your place of employment has coffee, drink a few cups (if not, get some … this is NYC, there's one coffee shop to every blonde-haired girl). Obviously it's going to help, and by 11:45 am, you'll feel pretty normal. But don't be fooled. In less than an hour you'll want to rest your head on your keyboards space bar and take a nap. This is where snacking helps. Pour a small bowl of cheerios. Don't add milk … instead eat them one by one. It will take a long time to finish them, and during that time you will be awake (instead of doing that head nod/jerk thing that happens when you close your eyes for a second).
Once you've made it past 2 pm, you're golden. There's always more coffee, more cheerios and red lipstick. Most importantly, you spent a night with people you love, dancing to your favorite songs and singing out loud … all with a whiskey in hand. And now you have a reason to put on that outfit you love, but don't wear enough.
In five years you won't remember how many cups of coffee you had those Tuesday mornings, but I bet you'll remember those Monday nights.
When you didn't have steady work, going to the bar for cheap beers on Monday night was a good idea. But, now that you have a great job, you've decided to be a responsible adult and go to bed at 11 pm. Then again, we all need a little tradition every once in a while. So, when your alarm scares you awake at 7:30 am, here's how you pull yourself together.
As soon as you get out of bed, grab your favorite pain killer. You may not have a headache at the moment, but rush hour on the train will create one. Stop it before it starts. After drinking a gallon of water, you'll be ready to put on your work appropriate make up. On days like this, go with a little mascara and a bright red lip. You see, the lip color distracts people from looking at your droopy eyes. Plus, red lips just make you look like a woman in charge. Even though I usually stay away from adding additional eye make up (besides mascara) on days like this, sometimes a small amount of gold eyeshadow in the inside corner of your eyes really makes you look perky.
Now, accomplish the same attitude with your outfit. There is something about a blazer that looks professional, yet relaxed. My go-to is an off-white, almost tuxedo style blazer. The key is to wear something you don't typically wear. See, I always wear black, so putting on something that deviates from my fashion norm shocks and excites me. Plus, people will notice that it's not something you would typically wear and you'll receive compliments. Just like the lipstick trick, people will be distracted from any looks of death that may be on your face. But, make sure you don't look like you tried too hard … that screams "I feel terrible, but look how fancy I am with my matching dress, shoes and nail polish."
Since the sweat from your dancing binge most likely ruined your hair, get out the dry shampoo and fix any out of control pieces with the curling iron. If you're running short on time (a likely possibility), then screw it. That's why the ponytail was invented.
I can't speak for everyone, but my favorite hang out has a certain smell to it. Personally, I love it. It's safe and familiar … like walking into mom's kitchen after she bakes chocolate chip cookies. OK, not at all, but you're following, right? Even though you know the stench lingering in your hair is from the bar, to everyone else you just stink. Get out your favorite perfume, but don't go overboard. A couple sprays will do, no French bath needed.
On your commute to work, it's very important to listen to music that wakes you up and makes you happy. It's not a good idea to fall asleep on the train/bus. You'll probably miss your stop since you'll be half sleeping and half passed out. If you drive to work, blast the AC and pretend your dashboard is a piano (Great Balls of Fire by Jerry Lee Lewis is the best dash piano song. Ever.)
Finally, you're at work. If your place of employment has coffee, drink a few cups (if not, get some … this is NYC, there's one coffee shop to every blonde-haired girl). Obviously it's going to help, and by 11:45 am, you'll feel pretty normal. But don't be fooled. In less than an hour you'll want to rest your head on your keyboards space bar and take a nap. This is where snacking helps. Pour a small bowl of cheerios. Don't add milk … instead eat them one by one. It will take a long time to finish them, and during that time you will be awake (instead of doing that head nod/jerk thing that happens when you close your eyes for a second).
Once you've made it past 2 pm, you're golden. There's always more coffee, more cheerios and red lipstick. Most importantly, you spent a night with people you love, dancing to your favorite songs and singing out loud … all with a whiskey in hand. And now you have a reason to put on that outfit you love, but don't wear enough.
In five years you won't remember how many cups of coffee you had those Tuesday mornings, but I bet you'll remember those Monday nights.
Sunday, August 21, 2011
Airport Etiquette
After coming back from a trip to Wisconsin, I realized the times I was the most annoyed were at the airport. It's not that difficult … but some people just don't know how to behave. So, here's a short manual on the topic. Take notes. Please.
Before the plane.
As soon as you get to the airport, know what you need to do, and what line you should be in. Did you check-in online? If so, it's not a good idea to stand in the "check-in" line with your party of 15, when you've already gone through the process. If you're like me, and early for everything, be nice and ask the people behind you what flight they are on. If it's before yours, let them go ahead of you. You'd appreciate it if you were running late, so let them in on the feeling. Plus, do you really want to sit at Gate D53, listening to 23 cell conversations longer than you have to?
Now, really pay attention here. I'm going to talk about the security checkpoints. This is where people get really rude. It takes a lot for me to not hit people with those plastic bins that you have to put your shit in. First of all, nobody has shoes on. Make sure you don't drop your 39 pound carry-on bag on someone's foot. That's going to hurt and will probably result in some yelling and cursing. Then, TSA employees come over and have to calm down the person with the throbbing foot. Basically, I'm saying it's not a good idea to drop your suitcase on someone's bare foot. If it happens, please apologize. Duh.
Next, when you get all of your stuff into the plastic bins, be patient. Don't push and shove your bins. Relax … your turn will come. If you're in that much of a hurry, then maybe you need to get your ass to the airport 30 minutes earlier. And, if you're just being an asshole, stop for the five minutes it takes to get through the x-ray machine.
Even if you were up at 3 am for your flight, don't pack all of your 8 and 12 oz. fluids in your carry on. First of all, you look like a fool. Secondly, you may be placed in one of those glass cages while they search your bag … since you're now a security threat. All of this because you put your hairspray, nail clippers and nail polish remover (which is flammable) in your carry on bag. Sometimes, it's just a matter of simple thinking.
When you're eliminated as a threat, you're on your way to finding out if your flight is actually on time. If it is, then great … wait to board, get on the aircraft and be happy. But, if there's a delay, don't have a temper tantrum. If your nine-year-old daughter is behaving better than you, there's a problem. And just because you're bored and frustrated, don't call up your cell phone company and complain about every time your phone locks up. It's not the time and place for that. No one wants to hear your bitching. Browse Facebook, Twitter, download a few apps … just be quiet.
On the Plane.
Once you are actually on the plane (Alleluia), hold your bags in a position so they're not hitting every person you pass. Trust me, a leather briefcase in someone's jaw is not how a plane ride should begin … for anyone. If you are traveling alone and you're safely sitting in your window seat 14F, check to see if anyone around you is separated from their friends/family. If giving up your seat would make it possible for a father to sit with his son, then do it. It will be worth it when you see how excited the little boy gets over a window seat.
During the trip, be nice to the flight attendants. Think of all the jerks they deal with each day … people making ridiculous complaints about putting too much ice in their tomato juice, or people who insist on getting up the last five minutes of the flight to piss (when they've had the past two hours to do so). Just sit, with your seatbelt on and play the air drums. I don't know … it helps me.
When the time has come to get off the plane and all you want is a beer, make sure you carefully remove your bag from the overhead storage bins. That 39 pound suitcase is also going to hurt if you drop it on someone's head … and you don't want to ruin anyone's good hair day, now do you?
Off the plane.
There's not a lot you can mess up at this point. But, if you have to go to the bathroom, don't piss all over the toilet. (Yes, women, this is for you.) Maybe you need to work on your thigh muscles more so you can achieve and master the piss squat. Whatever you have to do, just do it … there is no reason that urine should be all over the seat. Now, I have this down. I go to dive bars where you wouldn't dare let your skin touch the toilet seats. I have perfected my piss squat. Like Kelis, I can teach you … but I have to charge.
Oh, and don't take any luggage unless it's yours. I know … everyone has red or black suitcases. Do something to make yours stand out. I always tie a flashy scarf around the handles of my luggage. But, don't use a scarf you're in love with (like your $760 Hermes or even your $12 H&M scarf) … just in case it gets lost.
Now go fly. Properly.
Before the plane.
As soon as you get to the airport, know what you need to do, and what line you should be in. Did you check-in online? If so, it's not a good idea to stand in the "check-in" line with your party of 15, when you've already gone through the process. If you're like me, and early for everything, be nice and ask the people behind you what flight they are on. If it's before yours, let them go ahead of you. You'd appreciate it if you were running late, so let them in on the feeling. Plus, do you really want to sit at Gate D53, listening to 23 cell conversations longer than you have to?
Now, really pay attention here. I'm going to talk about the security checkpoints. This is where people get really rude. It takes a lot for me to not hit people with those plastic bins that you have to put your shit in. First of all, nobody has shoes on. Make sure you don't drop your 39 pound carry-on bag on someone's foot. That's going to hurt and will probably result in some yelling and cursing. Then, TSA employees come over and have to calm down the person with the throbbing foot. Basically, I'm saying it's not a good idea to drop your suitcase on someone's bare foot. If it happens, please apologize. Duh.
Next, when you get all of your stuff into the plastic bins, be patient. Don't push and shove your bins. Relax … your turn will come. If you're in that much of a hurry, then maybe you need to get your ass to the airport 30 minutes earlier. And, if you're just being an asshole, stop for the five minutes it takes to get through the x-ray machine.
Even if you were up at 3 am for your flight, don't pack all of your 8 and 12 oz. fluids in your carry on. First of all, you look like a fool. Secondly, you may be placed in one of those glass cages while they search your bag … since you're now a security threat. All of this because you put your hairspray, nail clippers and nail polish remover (which is flammable) in your carry on bag. Sometimes, it's just a matter of simple thinking.
When you're eliminated as a threat, you're on your way to finding out if your flight is actually on time. If it is, then great … wait to board, get on the aircraft and be happy. But, if there's a delay, don't have a temper tantrum. If your nine-year-old daughter is behaving better than you, there's a problem. And just because you're bored and frustrated, don't call up your cell phone company and complain about every time your phone locks up. It's not the time and place for that. No one wants to hear your bitching. Browse Facebook, Twitter, download a few apps … just be quiet.
On the Plane.
Once you are actually on the plane (Alleluia), hold your bags in a position so they're not hitting every person you pass. Trust me, a leather briefcase in someone's jaw is not how a plane ride should begin … for anyone. If you are traveling alone and you're safely sitting in your window seat 14F, check to see if anyone around you is separated from their friends/family. If giving up your seat would make it possible for a father to sit with his son, then do it. It will be worth it when you see how excited the little boy gets over a window seat.
During the trip, be nice to the flight attendants. Think of all the jerks they deal with each day … people making ridiculous complaints about putting too much ice in their tomato juice, or people who insist on getting up the last five minutes of the flight to piss (when they've had the past two hours to do so). Just sit, with your seatbelt on and play the air drums. I don't know … it helps me.
When the time has come to get off the plane and all you want is a beer, make sure you carefully remove your bag from the overhead storage bins. That 39 pound suitcase is also going to hurt if you drop it on someone's head … and you don't want to ruin anyone's good hair day, now do you?
Off the plane.
There's not a lot you can mess up at this point. But, if you have to go to the bathroom, don't piss all over the toilet. (Yes, women, this is for you.) Maybe you need to work on your thigh muscles more so you can achieve and master the piss squat. Whatever you have to do, just do it … there is no reason that urine should be all over the seat. Now, I have this down. I go to dive bars where you wouldn't dare let your skin touch the toilet seats. I have perfected my piss squat. Like Kelis, I can teach you … but I have to charge.
Oh, and don't take any luggage unless it's yours. I know … everyone has red or black suitcases. Do something to make yours stand out. I always tie a flashy scarf around the handles of my luggage. But, don't use a scarf you're in love with (like your $760 Hermes or even your $12 H&M scarf) … just in case it gets lost.
Now go fly. Properly.
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
One Rule All Women Should Live By
I don't care what you do to earn your money. I don't care what neighborhood you live in, or if you have fancy clothes and go to the most privileged clubs. All that matters is you're doing what you want … and because it's who you are. That being said, women need to throw out any and all rule books and live by this:
Never change who you are … for anyone, or for anything.
So, you don't think you're normal. Great. Embrace everything non-normal about you. The people that belong in your life will love every ounce of it. Screw the rest.
So, you don't want to laugh at some guys joke when he's sitting at the dinner table with you. Don't. Laughter comes from the heart, not from the girl in college who told you to laugh at every word a man says … even if it's not funny.
So, you like little bars with bad lighting and cheap drinks … opposed to clubs where you pay $30 to get in and sip on a $22 drink. Good for you. You don't have to go to places where you don't enjoy yourself just because people tell you to branch out and meet a "nice" guy.
If you aren't doing what you want and not being who you are, the friends you make and the man who falls in love with you, will really care about the persona you have created. At that point, it must be quite hard to keep up the show, in order to keep those people in your life.
Do what you want and be who you are. Your friends will love you for you (not your shoe collection … half of which you don't even like). The man that falls in love with you wouldn't want you to laugh at his lame joke. He'd probably rather have you laugh at him for telling it in the first place.
It's not an enjoyable life if you're trying so hard to not be yourself. You are who you are for a reason.
Fuck the people who want you to change.
Never change who you are … for anyone, or for anything.
So, you don't think you're normal. Great. Embrace everything non-normal about you. The people that belong in your life will love every ounce of it. Screw the rest.
So, you don't want to laugh at some guys joke when he's sitting at the dinner table with you. Don't. Laughter comes from the heart, not from the girl in college who told you to laugh at every word a man says … even if it's not funny.
So, you like little bars with bad lighting and cheap drinks … opposed to clubs where you pay $30 to get in and sip on a $22 drink. Good for you. You don't have to go to places where you don't enjoy yourself just because people tell you to branch out and meet a "nice" guy.
If you aren't doing what you want and not being who you are, the friends you make and the man who falls in love with you, will really care about the persona you have created. At that point, it must be quite hard to keep up the show, in order to keep those people in your life.
Do what you want and be who you are. Your friends will love you for you (not your shoe collection … half of which you don't even like). The man that falls in love with you wouldn't want you to laugh at his lame joke. He'd probably rather have you laugh at him for telling it in the first place.
It's not an enjoyable life if you're trying so hard to not be yourself. You are who you are for a reason.
Fuck the people who want you to change.
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