After coming back from a trip to Wisconsin, I realized the times I was the most annoyed were at the airport. It's not that difficult … but some people just don't know how to behave. So, here's a short manual on the topic. Take notes. Please.
Before the plane.
As soon as you get to the airport, know what you need to do, and what line you should be in. Did you check-in online? If so, it's not a good idea to stand in the "check-in" line with your party of 15, when you've already gone through the process. If you're like me, and early for everything, be nice and ask the people behind you what flight they are on. If it's before yours, let them go ahead of you. You'd appreciate it if you were running late, so let them in on the feeling. Plus, do you really want to sit at Gate D53, listening to 23 cell conversations longer than you have to?
Now, really pay attention here. I'm going to talk about the security checkpoints. This is where people get really rude. It takes a lot for me to not hit people with those plastic bins that you have to put your shit in. First of all, nobody has shoes on. Make sure you don't drop your 39 pound carry-on bag on someone's foot. That's going to hurt and will probably result in some yelling and cursing. Then, TSA employees come over and have to calm down the person with the throbbing foot. Basically, I'm saying it's not a good idea to drop your suitcase on someone's bare foot. If it happens, please apologize. Duh.
Next, when you get all of your stuff into the plastic bins, be patient. Don't push and shove your bins. Relax … your turn will come. If you're in that much of a hurry, then maybe you need to get your ass to the airport 30 minutes earlier. And, if you're just being an asshole, stop for the five minutes it takes to get through the x-ray machine.
Even if you were up at 3 am for your flight, don't pack all of your 8 and 12 oz. fluids in your carry on. First of all, you look like a fool. Secondly, you may be placed in one of those glass cages while they search your bag … since you're now a security threat. All of this because you put your hairspray, nail clippers and nail polish remover (which is flammable) in your carry on bag. Sometimes, it's just a matter of simple thinking.
When you're eliminated as a threat, you're on your way to finding out if your flight is actually on time. If it is, then great … wait to board, get on the aircraft and be happy. But, if there's a delay, don't have a temper tantrum. If your nine-year-old daughter is behaving better than you, there's a problem. And just because you're bored and frustrated, don't call up your cell phone company and complain about every time your phone locks up. It's not the time and place for that. No one wants to hear your bitching. Browse Facebook, Twitter, download a few apps … just be quiet.
On the Plane.
Once you are actually on the plane (Alleluia), hold your bags in a position so they're not hitting every person you pass. Trust me, a leather briefcase in someone's jaw is not how a plane ride should begin … for anyone. If you are traveling alone and you're safely sitting in your window seat 14F, check to see if anyone around you is separated from their friends/family. If giving up your seat would make it possible for a father to sit with his son, then do it. It will be worth it when you see how excited the little boy gets over a window seat.
During the trip, be nice to the flight attendants. Think of all the jerks they deal with each day … people making ridiculous complaints about putting too much ice in their tomato juice, or people who insist on getting up the last five minutes of the flight to piss (when they've had the past two hours to do so). Just sit, with your seatbelt on and play the air drums. I don't know … it helps me.
When the time has come to get off the plane and all you want is a beer, make sure you carefully remove your bag from the overhead storage bins. That 39 pound suitcase is also going to hurt if you drop it on someone's head … and you don't want to ruin anyone's good hair day, now do you?
Off the plane.
There's not a lot you can mess up at this point. But, if you have to go to the bathroom, don't piss all over the toilet. (Yes, women, this is for you.) Maybe you need to work on your thigh muscles more so you can achieve and master the piss squat. Whatever you have to do, just do it … there is no reason that urine should be all over the seat. Now, I have this down. I go to dive bars where you wouldn't dare let your skin touch the toilet seats. I have perfected my piss squat. Like Kelis, I can teach you … but I have to charge.
Oh, and don't take any luggage unless it's yours. I know … everyone has red or black suitcases. Do something to make yours stand out. I always tie a flashy scarf around the handles of my luggage. But, don't use a scarf you're in love with (like your $760 Hermes or even your $12 H&M scarf) … just in case it gets lost.
Now go fly. Properly.
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